About Running

All I wanted was to run away from all of it. But wherever I ran, I was still running into the same truth: I was mentally ill. I was on medication. I wasn’t okay. Wherever I ran, I ran into that fact over and over again: I wasn’t okay. 

This blog was a last-ditch attempt at sanity. In the months before my medication truly settled I found myself desperate for a narrative. In a moment of not-recommended personal fury, I referred myself to that old TV show cliché that Counsellors in psychiatric institutions often ask patients to write out their feelings. The last time I had undertaken this task had been a fitful three weeks from initial hypothesis to medical diagnosis in which I vainly hoped that I might virtuously pray/write my way out of the oncoming sentence. I still can’t bring myself to read it through.

Of course, the same thing happened again, and after the initial setting up this blog lay dormant. Occasionally it was pumped with an injection of creativity and thought, but most of the time I stayed away. I was still working out what it means to be living this way, and getting used to the idea that it might be okay to confess it in the world and be heard. This was a little black corner of the internet where nameless faces and screens come and look and read, maybe, but overall the words simply hung out there in the blackness. Just having said them made feel a bit better. From my point of view, on the edge of Scotland where almost no one really is, it was totally unseen.

But it’s been a while now and I’ve developed respect and trust with some of the people who read this blog, people I am likely never to meet who’s friendship extends out to me from across the internet. I am forever grateful for their support. I also made the decision to open the blog up to my friends and family in an attempt to be more honest and open about what I struggle with, and maybe help some other people to do that too.

 

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29 thoughts on “About Running

  1. It isn’t often that I feel like I’m right in the same room with the person whose words I’m reading. The Quote from Wordsworth suits your writing, L Perry. Happy to make your acquaintance…Jana

  2. It’s the coolest thing about blogging—it can be whatever you want it to be. So glad you visited my site and decided to take me along on your journey.

  3. Hi CHGreenaway. Writing has saved me from many things as I blunder along. Welcome. Thank you for wanting to follow my poetry journey. It will take many turns I hope I can be of help! Best Wishes, The Foureyed Poet.

  4. I have been where you seem to be at, darling. Much of my crisis of faith stemmed from the fact that the bitter cup of depression and despair was never taken from my lips, no matter how hard I prayed or begged. Silence was my only answer.
    I have been medicated, and the trade off was a complete lack of creativity. Of course, you have to do what is best for you, and always under a doctor’s care (coming OFF medication was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do — quitting smoking was a cakewalk compared to coming off anti-depressants). Vent your rage, your frustration, your sadness in any creative way you can — it doesn’t make it go away, it just gives it somewhere to play.

    1. Thank you, the amount of support I have found online has been so encouraging, and it is good to hear other people’s stories. Are you coping being off medication, has it been a good trade off in the long run?

      1. I went to see a Naturopath, and learned that there are natural things that I can be doing, and taking some vitamin supplements that actually replace the chemicals that my brain is missing naturally, without the awful side effects that pharmaceuticals come with. I have been off meds now for four months, and it’s no coincidence that I started my blog about three months ago — nearly 100 posts later, I’d say yes, I’m much happier. I still have my moments, but what is life without occasional moments of anxiety or sadness? I don’t want the numb nothingness I had on meds.

  5. Use the blog like a blackboard; some of your best stuff will not stand the light of day — others will surprise you. Be assured that as long as you can put two coherent letters together — such as, AS — you are far from crazy.

  6. Metaphoric thought — the primal original of our foot-weary time on earth — is yours for the asking. Stay close to the images and stories that hug you tight: they will light your way, but not directly. Be wary of allegory, but not analogy: above all, remember that the literal meaning of any utterance is its metaphoric — that is to say, spiritual — meaning. The Spirit is also a body: a body of work, of tradition, of venturing forth.

  7. Lastly, do not forget you are on earth: a broken, near-perfect world. You need your neighbours at all times. But bad things happen to good people — to everyone: earthquakes, sickness, injury, loss: you don’t have to have the answers to these things, but respect and remember them in your prayers.

  8. Thank you for following my blog, I have just read your ‘About Running’, really great writing, had a quick look at your home page, and wow, your poetry….. look forward to catching up with more of your posts. Keep on writing, it’s creative therapy at it’s best. Good luck with all.

  9. I like the way you put your thoughts down. It is easier to say something to a faceless void then to a real person. I have to watch what I say because I live in a small town and many people know about my blog. So I think yours is cool.

  10. Thank you for following my blog. I just clicked into yours too. WHAT WONDERFUL WRITING! I have found writing to be enormously cathartic, particularly in tne darkest times. I am so glad you began your blog.

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