I was going to write a poem for the end of national eating disorder awareness week.
But that is like trying to tell you what salt tastes like.
Here are words, bumbling and tripping over themselves, to whisper – please
please hear us. Can you hear us?
Have this instead – I’m giving the little voices room to sing, the little mean
nasty loving kind addictive voices that sing inside me, and others like me.
Can you hear it? Just five minutes.
Five Minutes in the head with the Little Voices Shouting.
‘Wake up. Can you do some exercise now? Can you run? Can you jump?
You don’t do enough exercise, not enough, your stomach, your legs, the way your arms blob about,
you hideous thing – Did you have sex last night? How many calories do you think that burnt?
Could you do it again tonight?
Sex burns calories, Sex, sex, easy exercise – not love, cheaper than the gym.
Coffee. Breakfast? Breakfast. Eat some breakfast?’
I must eat some breakfast today.
‘Alright, something small, something light,
NOT TOAST! Are you crazy? Carbs
Carbs carbs carbs, you can’t eat that if you eat that – porridge?
No no no no porridge? Porridge is healthy isn’t it?
Heavy though,you’ll feel it all day,
Slosh slosh slosh at the bottom of your belly,
pushing into your thighs – it’ll sit there, it’ll sit there
you’ll never get it off, and what will you do to make up for it?
They’ll all notice if you don’t have any dinner
you know how they are, got to plan ahead, lunch?
you can skip that, no one will know – a black coffee maybe?
Dinner tonight – dinner tonight – dinner tonight – you can’t eat that,
you can’t –
An apple. Have an apple.
I must eat breakfast today.
‘The sugar, glistening golden bits on the inside,
you’re already a bigger bra size than you were last year, it’ll go straight there
won’t it? It always does.
Your dress won’t do up, imagine it, so tight, pulling, God
people will notice, they’ll start saying things – ‘you look well,
you look so much healthier!’ Code for fat it’s all code for fat it’s always code for fat too fat too fat.
Liars, bitches, telling you it’s alright to let the sugar sit on your hips – what do they know – skinny wrists
skinny tummies, so skinny – some of us have to work for it
some of us have to work for it. The apple…..
Run, why don’t you run, you could run? Run tonight.
That’ll make up for it. That’ll do it, won’t it? that’ll do it –
or now? Go now?’
I must eat something today.
‘Shall we check, shall we check for you? Just jump on now,
in the bathroom, quick, hop on, just check.
Maybe there’s a room for an apple in there – I know, I know
not supposed to count, check, no counting, no checking,
but this morning can’t hurt
can it? No one has to know, no one has to know,
just jump on.’
I must eat something
‘Go running and you can eat it, just a little jog. Too tired?
Well, it’s your fault then, lazy bitch, should of
got up earlier. Look at you, ugly, you can’t eat that.
You can’t eat that, it’ll make you fat and ugly and lonely,
you can’t eat that, it’ll make you fat and ugly and you’ll be alone,
you can’t eat that, you’re fat and ugly and you’re going to be alone
you can’t eat that, you’re so fat and ugly you’re going to die alone
you can’t eat that, you’ll die alone
you can’t eat that
you can’t eat that.’